Whats Happened To Safe Quiet Forks?
by SlightlyGayPirate
Summary: what happened to the happy cullens of Forks? why did Emmett name a Pretzel Kellan and call it his pet? How did Marlow make an appearance? Where did Jack Sparrow come from? Why is this so random? Dedicated to Kellan Lutz
1. pretzels, rocks, Marlow huh?

**A/N: I totally dedicate this entire fanfic to Kellan Lutz. Only because I and AllApologies451994** **thought it'd be fun to make Kellan read a story that I dedicated to him =]**

EmPOV

As I sneaked in through the front door, I looked down to see if Kellan was still in place. I smiled as I saw he hadn't moved, and I ran quietly upstairs into my room. I was glad to see that no one had come to see what I was up to. Knowing Edward and Alice, everyone probably already knew. I carefully placed Kellan on my pillow as I gathered sheets and a few of Rosalie's pillows to make a bed for Kellan. It didn't take long and soon enough, Kellan was fast asleep. I had to hide him in case someone killed him. Alice walked in while I was looking for a hiding spot. I immediately put Kellan behind my back. "Emmett... Why are you carrying a giant pretzel around in blankets and one of Rosalie's pillows...?" Alice said, looking at me suspiciously. "OH MY GOD! JASPER!" I yelled, at a feeble attempt to distract Alice. Luckily it worked. I jumped out of the window to the ground and ran into the woods until I reached the little dugout Edward and I had made when we first moved to forks.

I was trying to resettle down Kellan when Bella jumped in the dugout with Kellan Junior, her pet rock. I smiled at her, as we both tried to settle down Kellan and Kellan Jr. She started singing them a lullaby and I recalled the events that had occurred during the day. It all started when Bella and I went shopping. We went past the Pretzel shop and I saw THE most adorable pretzel in all of the land and I bought him. The next shop we passed was a rock shop and Bella saw an adorable big rock and she bought him. We were thinking about names when we saw the poster for some movie called Stick It! Which gave us the idea to name our pets after one of the actors called Kellan. Since we got mine first, he was just called Kellan, but we had to call Bella's, Kellan Jr. So we wouldn't get confused.

We had only just finished putting the kids to sleep when little Nessie came down to the dugout. She was holding her little teddy bear I'd gotten her for Christmas. She had called her, Ashley. "Mommy! Has Kellan Jr. Gone to sleep yet?" Nessie whispered in her sweet apple pie like voice. "Both of them have just settled down, sweetie, did you want to sing them a lullaby?" Bella replied quietly, climbing out of the dugout and picked up Nessie. "No, it's alright mommy. I'll sing to them tomorrow night. I'm too tired to sing for them now." Nessie replied as she nestled her head into her mother's adoring arms. Bella walked away with the almost asleep Nessie in her arms to go put her to bed. I was minding over little Kellan and Kellan Jr. When jaspers new puppy, Marlow, came running over. I shrieked when he went to go eat my little Kellan. Jasper and Alice came running over, apologizing like crazy while taking Marlow back into the house. I really didn't like that dog.

Bella came back about 10 minutes after she left to put Nessie into bed. We were just casually talking while looking after our other kids when a giant ship appeared in the river just a bit further down from our dugout. I looked curiously at the giant ship as it came to a halt and a small girl, around Alice's height jumped off the ship in some real fancy looking pirate clothes. "CRUE!" she shouted at the top of her lungs as a taller looking girl and a scrawny looking boy scrambled off the ship. They looked almost like hobos in their rags. Alice was going to have fun with them. The three people, around children/teenage age group, advanced forward in a triangle formation. Bella and I sunk further and further into the dugout, grabbing Kellan and Kellan Jr. as we shrunk into the shadows of the dugout hoping to not be seen. They marched forward, straight past the dugout, towards the house. We breathed a sigh of relief when they were almost at the house.

About 5 minutes had passed since the three kids had walked past us when we heard screaming from inside the house. The scream was so loud and piercing, I knew from an instant that it was Rosalie. As I turned to go in and help her, a worried looking Nessie came running down to the dugout where Bella and I were hiding. Nessie scrambled into the dugout and I passed Kellan to her as I ran to save Rose. By the time I reached the house, it was already too late. Rose and Edward were in a heap on the floor, burning to pieces. I heard the three kids pulling Jasper and Alice downstairs with Marlow. I slunk back into the shadows as Alice and jasper walked past me in chains made of duct tape, being pulled by the scrawny looking boy while the taller girl was carrying a few trunks of our things. "Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake!" the smaller girl cried out. "Yes, Captain Octopus Cupcake?!" the taller girl replied in a loud voice. "Do you hear terrible boy band music playing, Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake?" the smaller girl said, eyeing up the taller girl, making Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake tremble. "Yes, Captain. Aye does!" Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake replied, saluting at the Captain. "Secondmate Oyster Muffin!" the Captain screamed at the scrawny boy, making even Alice flinch at her shrill voice. "Yes, Captain Octopus Cupcake?" a quiet, scared voice came from the scrawny looking boy. "GO FIND WHERE THAT TERRIBLE MUSIC IS COMING FROM! PRONTO!" the captain replied. She was a terrible pirate. She didn't even talk like one.

Then I remembered why they could hear boy band music. I had hired the Backstreet Boys to keep Nessie entertained tomorrow and I'd told them they could practice down in our basement. It didn't take Secondmate Oyster Muffin long to find them. He pulled them out of the basement which made the Captain pick up her phone and then started talking pirate into the phone. "AHOY! Ye be Cap'n Jack Sparrow?" She spoke into the phone. There was a pause as she got a reply from the person on the other end. "Jack, I have a bunch of loonies singin' in te' basement of te' land I jus' took over! I'll be needin' ye to make 'em walk te' plank!" She spoke back into the phone. There was a long pause as this Jack Sparrow person replied to the crazy Captain. "I'll be seein' ye very soon then!" and she hung up the phone with an evil grin on her face. I did not like the look on her face.

It wasn't long till a tall man walked in, wearing traditional pirate clothing. He looked like he'd just stepped out of Pirates of the Caribbean when I realized that that was probably why his name was so familiar to me. Jack Sparrow pulled out his sword and placed it against Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcakes neck and said "Ye be makin' these lowlifes a plank now, wouldn't ye?" Thirdmate nodded and quickly assembled a plank out of the window halfway up the first set of stairs. Sparrow looked pleased with himself. He then started to jab the Backstreet Boys in the back up the stairs and made them walk the plank, one by one, making sure each one died after their fall. After they were all gone, Jack grabbed my brother and sister and dragged them out of the house. When the room had cleared, I followed the wanna-be pirates take my brother and sister on board of their ship.

I watched the pirates sail away with my brother and sister. Bella came and joined me and gave me a slight hug and passed Nessie to me. I followed Bella into the house with a sleeping Nessie falling all over me. As soon as Bella saw Edward and Rosalie's remains, she broke down into tears. The front door opened while Bella sobbed softly, and Carlisle and Esme walked in. Esme dropped all of her shopping bags when she saw the ashes. If vampires could faint, I'm sure that's what Carlisle would've done right then. Carlisle was the first to break the silence. "The Blubbermouth Pirates..." he whispered faintly. Bella and I looked up at him as if waiting for more of an explanation. "KELLAN AND KELLAN JR!" Nessie screamed as she scrambled out of my arms and ran past Marlow, Jasper and Alice's vampire dog, and grabbing the giant pretzel and the rock. Bella ran down to the dugout to grab Nessie. As she did, Carlisle turned to me and said, "The Blubbermouth Pirates are the worst pirates ever. The only advantage they have is they know about vampires and how to kill them. Obviously what happened here with Edward and Rosalie. I'm guessing they kidnapped Alice and Jasper?" He cocked his eyebrow at me after the last question. Just as I was about to answer, Bella walked back in. "Emmett, Nessie is going to need a father figure in her life. Will you marry me?" everyone turned to Bella in shock, including me. I thought about what she had asked, while her eyes bore holes into me. It was true that Nessie would probably want a father figure, but it felt a little weird dating my dead brother's wife. "I'll have to think about it Bells. It'd be a little weird right now, but I'd be glad to provide a fatherly figure for her." I responded. She nodded in understandance and walked off to her cottage with Nessie.

It had been at least 2hrs since my brother and wife had passed away. No one had seen or heard from Bella or Nessie since they had slinked off to their cottage. I looked down at my pretzel, Kellan. I had been thinking intensely at the idea of marrying Bella. It all seemed so weird. The next thing we heard was a boat docking at the river. _The Blubbermouth Pirates_ I thought and ran to Bella's cottage to protect her. I was right. As soon as I had left the house, I saw the now 4 pirates coming towards the house with their massacre faces on. I got to Bella just in time to hear the deaths of my mother and father. "Yes," I whispered into Bella's ear as we hid in the depths of Bella's wardrobe with Nessie.

When we thought the coast was clear, we scrambled out of the wardrobe and tiptoed out of the house and saw the boat had left. We saw smoke coming from the kitchen and we knew what had happened. I ran inside and put out the fire in the kitchen, unfortunately, not in time to save my parents, but in enough to save the house from burning down. In less than a minute, I had flipped open two suitcases and filled them with all of my things, and mementos of Rosalie. I closed the lids and slowly walked back down the stairs to see a tired Nessie lying on top of three of her suitcases, with another four around Bella. We carried them out to the car and placed them in Bella's after car. I placed Nessie carefully on the backseat and handed a phone to Bella. She instantly rang Jacob to let him know what had happened and what we were doing. The dog understood and we were on our way down to the border to pick him up.

Jacob ran up to the car as soon as it was about a mile away from the border. He jumped in the car, shuffling Kellan, Kellan Jr. and Nessie around to make everyone comfortable. I slammed my foot on the accelerator and drove as far away from Forks as I could. We made it to the airport, just in time to catch a flight to Alaska. We hopped on the plane and hoped for the best. What worse could go wrong? We'd already lost our parents and siblings in one day so hopefully we might be fine in Alaska, and find a happily ever after.

**A/N: I was gonna make this a one shot and have the pirates go on a massacre but I'm having way too much fun with this than I should. Don't ask why I made Emmett have a pretzel called Kellan. There really was no point to this. If you feel there should be more bizarre-ness added to this, please review!**

**P.S. THIS IS A STORY I WROTE FOR KELLAN =] I hope you likie Kellan, if you read this (obviously) if you did, please reviewwww**

**Also, The Blubbermouth pirates consists of Me- Captain Octopus Cupcake, Jack Sparrow – Firstmate Jack Sparrow, Austin – Secondmate Oyster Muffin and Milli – Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake. I made up all the nicknames and stuff because I was mega hyper and stooof and I thought it was funny at the time. I don't think there is anything else to explain. And I really don't want to explain how the backstreet boys made an appearance in this, okay? Don't question my sanity you.**


	2. the making of the army!

**EmPOV**

We had been driving for 2 weeks now, stopping only for food for Nessie and Jacob, and so that Bella and myself could hunt. We didn't want to drive directly to Alaska, in case the pirates were using Alice to track where they were. I couldn't help but think that I really wanted to go to Australia. Hopefully Alice wouldn't tell them. I pulled over at another hotel place and booked another two rooms for us. Bella settled down on our bed while the dog and Nessie settled into their own room. I didn't care what they got up to; I just wanted time to myself to book the six plane tickets to Australia. Bella remembered Kellan and Kellan Jr. and walked calmly back to the car and pulled them out. I watched her as she carefully picked them up and cradled them all the way back to the room. She stood up on her toes and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. I really did start falling for her. She was absolutely adorable and had seemed to have forgotten about Edward. "go grab Ness and Jake and go hunt. You look like you could do with some food," I said sweetly in Bella's ear. She placed Kellan and Kellan Jr. on the bed I made up for them. I watched her leave and heard her knock on the next door.

As soon as I couldn't smell the dog, I whipped out my laptop Rose had gotten me for my previous birthday and plugged in my wireless internet. I booked the tickets and thought we could just carry Kellan and Kellan Jr. on the plane so I only booked four tickets instead of six. We were leaving tomorrow morning no matter what anyone said. *knock knock*. I glanced up at the door and could smell Alice. I walked carefully over to the door and peered through the peephole. I saw Alice's worried face and I knew she knew I was there. I made a decision to open the door and peered back out to look at Alice. She hadn't changed her facials but she was glaring at me to open it faster. I flicked the latch open and Alice burst in, slammed the door shut and flicked the latch shut. "Alice... what's wrong? Where's the crazy pirate crue?" I asked her slowly. She looked up at me and said, "I managed to escape. Jasper didn't want to come. They've been following you. That crazy captain chick can tell when someone lies to her so I've had to say exactly where you are. I'm scared they're going to find me. Jasper knows I left but he has no idea where I am." She launched at me in a full on hug and wouldn't let go. She burst out into dry tears and tightened her grip with her small arms.

As Alice and I hugged, Bella came back with Ness and Jake. Bella walked in and launched herself onto Alice. "Allie! Omg! I've missed you! Are you alright? Where's jasper? How long are you here for? Will they find you?" Bella rambled out every question she could. Alice smiled weakly at Bella. "I'll be alright. They still have Jasper. I'm here for as long as I can. I hope like crazy they don't find me, but I hope we find them without them knowing and so we can get Jasper back and kill them. I'm sorry to say this Bella, but we are going to need to call off your wedding and make a newborn army. Now," Alice replied. Bella and Alice shared a long stare until I broke the silence. "Alice. Where are we going to find enough people to make a newborn army..." they snapped their heads towards me and giggled. I didn't like the sound of this plan. Alice pulled out her phone and handed it towards me. "Ring everyone you can. The Irish coven, Denali coven, European Nomads, American nomads and the Amazon coven. Heck! Ring the Volturi! Actually, do ring the Volturi. We need permission to make the newborns." She explained to me while folding my fingers around her phone. I nodded and hit speed dial 7 and waited for someone to pick up.

I don't know how many times I rang, but eventually I heard the husky voice of Aro answer the phone. "ARO!" I shouted. "Yes yes yes it is the one and only. How can I help you Emmett?" he replied sounding rather annoyed. "Well! These crazy pirates showed up in the river near our house, killed Edward, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme and kidnapped Jasper and Alice. Alice escaped and came back saying we need to make a newborn army like now to destroy them and told me to ring you all and all the other covens and nomads to get them to help us out. Do we have your permission to make the newborns?" I managed to rush out every sentence without breathing and was met with dead silence on the other line. I waited five minutes while thinking of something else to say when Aro finally responded. "You have my permission. Where abouts are you so we can fly over to help out? Make sure you tell everyone where you are so they can help. Alice will have to return back to the ship so that they won't suspect anything has happened. Make a SMALL army of about 25 new people. We will spread out the newborns between all over every coven and the nomads will take at least one each unless they want more. Now we will see you in less than a day. Don't go haywire!" and the click of Aro's phone sounded.

Alice looked up at me and waited for me to give her phone back. She kept staring until she heard her phone buzz. A smile spread over my face as I picked it up and said into the phone, "we're in Florida. Could you ring the other covens and nomads for us so we can start on this?" Alice looked towards me realizing why I hadn't given her phone back to me. "Yeah, sure! Thanks for waiting for me to call back. Good luck my friends!" Aro replied and hung up. I chucked Alice's phone back towards her and she shoved it into her pocket. "Come on Al, gotta take you back to the ship." I spoke to her as I pulled her up. She groaned as I replied, "Aro's orders. Sorry sis." I turned to face her and saw her looking down as if she was about to cry (if she could cry) and looked up to face be and chucked herself into a hug. "I hate this! How long is it going to take before I can come back and plan yours and Bella's wedding?" and she sobbed softly. "The Volturi arrive tomorrow and I don't know how long it'll take. You're the one who can see the future silly. You should be able to see how long it'll take!" Her sad eyes looked up at me and she replied, "But I was never a pirate so I can't see our futures!" I gave her a confused look. _Since when are pirates a totally different thing? She can see humans and vampires but she can't see werewolves because they're all different to humans but a pirate has the same genetic model as a human... what the heck? _I thought to myself. I intertwined my fingers with my little sister as I took her back to where she said the ship was. We hid behind a bush as we said our goodbyes. She put her arms around my waist before she sprinted back to the boat. I watched as she climbed aboard and was proud at how strong her little arms were as she pulled her entire weight with the rope.

Once I saw she was aboard the boat I walked back to the hotel room. Nessie and Jake were sitting on the floor with Bella sitting on the bed, all three watching TV. "Alice came back," I managed to say to them. Nessie snapped her head towards me and said, "then where is she?!" I smiled at her and joined Bella on the bed. She looked up to be with her sad eyes towards me. "She had to go back. Bella, I'm going to go make a small newborn army to kill off the pirates. Its orders from Aro. You stay here and I'll bring the newborns back here. 25 should fit in. Jake, take Ness into your room and lock the door. I don't need my stepdaughter getting hurt. Actually, Jake, go take Nessie back to the rez and get the other wolves. We need as much help as we can get." I spoke severely to them. Bella nodded and Jake grabbed Nessie, slung her onto his back and turned to me, "I'll keep her safe Emmett. I should be back in at least a day with the others. Billy can look after Nessie or Charlie even. Charlie might be better... See you in a day." And Jake morphed into a wolf before taking Nessie to a safe place. Bella looked up and said, "Em, I'm guessing we don't have much time. Go get the newborns, now." I nodded back and ran out of the hotel.

There was a bunch of teenage girls standing around. I didn't think they'd be good for fighting so I kept walking down the street. The next group of people I came across were a bunch of strong burly men. I smiled to myself as I walked closer. I jumped onto the first mans back when no one was looking and sunk my teeth in. I did the same for the other three before carrying the squirming strong men back to our hotel room. Bella looked up at me in shock as she saw the four strong men squirming. I gave her a sly smile before turning around to walk back outside. "Allow me, Emmett," she said and stepped around me before walking off to find the next newborns. As she walked out, I counted how many newborns we had so far. _7 to be exact._ I peered out the window and saw Bella herding another 5 back to our place that I could see were writhing in pain. ALL of them being the same girls I passed and thought they wouldn't be good for fighting. _What was Bella thinking?! _"Here's some more newborns," Bella said and gave me a small peck on the lips. I stepped around her and left her to watch the rest of the newborns.

I walked for at least 20 minutes when I came across a group of 10 having a brawl down an alley. I smirked as I realized I had found the perfect fighters for this mission. I jumped on the wimpy one standing behind before sinking my teeth into him. There were two left fighting after 10 minutes. Neither had noticed what I'd been doing until I sunk my teeth into one of them. The other stared at me in horror as I smirked to him before sinking my teeth into him as well. I grabbed a rope from a bin and tied all the men to each other, before dragging them off back to the hotel.

Bella looked at me with wide eyes when she saw me pulling the 10 men with a rope back into the hotel. "Your turn, Bellykins. Just need 3 more," I smirked at her before she pushed past me out of the hotel to bring back the final three of our army. I untied the 10 men's arms before letting them writhe in pain somewhere in the room. It wasn't long before Bella came back with the final 3 women of our army. I wrapped my arms around Bella before kissing her on the head then pushing her out of the hotel room, locking the door and going next door to our own safety while being close enough to listen to the newborns.

**A/N: here's the next addition =] sorry it took forever to update this (and every other story that needs updating) I probably won't update until Tuesday next week because I have exams all week and need to study like crazy. I might update a few more stories today while I relax and stuff, but ehh. ENJOY!**


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